What Your Relationship Should Be - And What It Is

Anyone who’s ever read a self-help book—or even just a refrigerator magnet—has heard some version of “Be present” or “Don’t fight reality.”

It sounds simple and obvious.

But the truth is, most people don’t know how to actually apply that wisdom in the heat of a real relationship—with your kids, your partner, your team at work.

We think we’re present, but we’re often reacting to an invisible script in our heads: how things should go, what the other person should be doing, how the moment should unfold, according to our expectation.

And when it doesn’t? We tense up. Get frustrated. Shut down. Try to control.

Here’s a story that illustrates this beautifully.

The Car Ride That Wasn’t About the Car

A coaching client of mine—a dad with a wife and two young sons—shared a moment from his morning routine. He was trying to get the kids out the door so they could go off with mom while he went to work. Everything was timed. He had a plan. Shoes, backpacks, head to the car, buckle in, ta-da!

But one of his sons wasn’t cooperating. He was dragging his feet, complaining, crying, refusing to move.

My client felt his frustration rising. “Come on!” he said. “Why is this so hard? We do this every day!”

Then, something in him paused. Instead of yelling or forcing the issue, he crouched down, softened, and simply said, “Hey buddy, what’s going on?”

His son hesitated. Looked down. Then, with tears in his eyes, he said, “I’m sad you’re not coming in the car with us. I want you to come with us so we can play”.

In that moment, the whole story flipped.

What looked like resistance was actually sadness. What looked like defiance was actually longing for connection.

The reality in front of my client wasn’t an uncooperative child. It was a tender boy missing his dad.

And the only thing that allowed my client to see that, was giving up his version of the “effective-exit-process reality” he thought should be happening.

This Happens All the Time in Relationships

We all do this.

We create internal expectations, often without even realizing it:

• Your partner should say thank you.

• Your kid should be ready by now.

• Your colleague should agree with your idea.

• Your spouse should know what’s wrong without being told.

And when they don’t?

We assume something’s wrong with them.

We react—not to what’s happening—but to our disappointment that they’re not meeting the version of reality we created in our minds.

In those moments, we’re fighting ghosts.

We’re in conflict with our own expectations—not with the real human in front of us.

The Practice: Meeting Reality As It Is

So what does it look like to be present with what’s real?

Here are three practices you can experiment with:

1. Catch the “Should”

When you feel frustration rising, ask yourself:“What am I expecting that isn’t happening right now?” Sometimes it’s as subtle as “This should be easier,” or “They should already know.” Just naming your inner script helps you separate it from what’s really happening.

2. Get Curious, Not Controlling

Instead of trying to push the moment back into your original plan, try leaning in with curiosity.Say something like:

• “You seem upset—what’s going on?”

• “That didn’t land well—can we slow down for a second?”

• “Help me understand—what are you feeling right now?”

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This shifts the energy. From resistance to connection. From assumptions to discovery.

3. Let the Moment Change You

Here’s the radical part: let the real moment change your course.If your partner is emotional, maybe the “quick question” you were going to ask can wait.If your child is sad, maybe being five minutes late is worth it. If your colleague has concerns, maybe your idea needs a second look.

This isn’t about giving up boundaries or letting people walk all over you. It’s about staying in relationship with what’s happening, instead of clinging to a fantasy of how things were supposed to go.

Real Love Lives in Reality

We all want harmony. Ease. Flow. But ironically, those things happen more often when we stop insisting that life go a certain way—and start meeting people where they are.

Being present isn’t just about breathing deeply or meditating on a yoga mat.

It’s about being willing to see the person in front of you. To set aside the story you were telling yourself long enough to hear them.

To notice the little boy behind the tantrum. The hurt behind the silence. The fear behind the anger.

This is the practice.

In relationships, maturity isn’t about getting everything to match your expectations. It’s about being able to adjust when it doesn’t.

And sometimes, that’s where the real magic happens.

You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.