Updated: Sep 8
This is no more obvious than at the beginning of relationship. When we are in love, we are generous with our giving. We bestow upon our beloved an abundance of touch and attention. It comes naturally to offer gifts and love notes and phone calls. Love-making can last for hours. We listen to each other with great rapture and divulge all of our secrets. The sharing of delicious food becomes a daily delight. If we see something broken, we jump to fixing it because we know it will bring relief or joy to our partner. We are willing to go out of our way for each other. Our love is expressed and demonstrated in a myriad ways.
What makes us feel love
When we’re newly in love, we mistakenly believe it is the other who makes us feel so blissfully charged with love and generosity. We do not see that it is the act of loving itself that produces such joy! Most humans love to give, and have a lot of love to give! It is where we are at our best. It is where we are the most connected. It is where we are the most expansive. In truth, it is who we are to give to one another.
As relationship proceeds, we tend to give less and less. We don’t see it, but we begin to focus more on getting than giving.
Giving vs. getting
It begins when our partner doesn’t do what we expect or want. We feel hurt, disappointed, angry, afraid or sad. Old wounds resurface. We don’t want to feel the pain so we close ourselves off from our feelings. Unfortunately, when we close ourselves off from our feelings, we close off our love too.
In our confusion, we think the path to feeling love again is to change our partner. We have to get him or her to quit doing that thing that hurts. So we focus on trying to get our partner to change, to meet our expectations. In a word, we try to get them to give to us. We try to get them to keep their agreements, to commit, to help around the house more, to make love with us again, to listen to us, to show their love to us like they used to.
Our partner is doing the same to us. Trying to get us to give to them. Unfortunately, when this continues, no one is giving. Both of us are trying to get. In trying to get, the flow of love is cut off. Generosity ceases.
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Disconnected from love
We feel terrible when we are not abundantly giving to those we love. We have inadvertently disconnected ourselves from our hearts, from who we really are. It is this disconnection from love that kills us. It is this disconnection from love that kills the relationship.
We mistakenly believe we have fallen out of love because of our partner’s unwillingness to give. We think to ourselves, “If only he or she would have ____ (fill in the blank), then I would still be in love”.
But it is just as much our own unwillingness to give, our own focus on trying to get that has taken us out of love.
Many of us leave our partners in search of another, and repeat the process over and over again. We don’t see that giving and receiving is at the heart of feeling this blissful state of love.
Give first, give fast
One of the fastest ways back to love is to give again. Give fast. Give freely. Give frequently. Give what you want to receive (We call it “providing what’s missing”).
Kahil Gibran said this: Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do. When you give what you want to receive, you will begin to be your best self again, and love will flow like it did.
Here is another crucial piece of relationship advice. Notice when and how your partner gives to you. Take your attention off of all the places love is missing, and put your appreciation on where love is. Express your gratitude and appreciation to your partner for their expressions of love. When you do, something surprising will happen. Your partner will be inspired to give more.
If you want to fall in love again, get the flow of generous giving going again. It is not only the way back to love, it is love itself!
Lastly, if you are someone who wants to give and wants to make your partner happy, but you also feel resentful about giving, check out this blog post …
Here are a few quotes on giving:
“There’s a great joy in my giving. It’s thrilling. It’s exhilarating. It’s important to be a part of sharing. It is my love. It is my joy.” W. Clement Stone
“Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
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