One of our subscribers, a married woman, sent us this question:
What to do if one partner is angry or upset and it appears to be caused by the other partner? One is aware enough to know that they’re projecting, but it really, really looks like it’s the other person. What to do?
Your Fault or Mine?
It’s an age-old question in relationship. Is it my fault my partner is mad at me? Or is it just my partner misinterpreting my actions because of their “own stuff”? (Most of us seem to prefer the second option).
Here’s an example that happened last night as we were having dinner with a couple we know. We’re at their kitchen table, enjoying a lovely meal and conversation. Towards the end of dinner, he clears the table and starts putting dishes in the dishwasher. Here’s the brief interaction that followed:
Her: “Can you not do that right now?”
Him: “What? I’m just doing the dishes, and I can still hear the conversation”.
Her: “It’s distracting”.
Him: “Ok, I’m almost done, but fine …”.
As triggers go, this was very polite and the moment passed quickly. Still, she was mildly triggered by him getting up and making noises with the dishes in the sink.
The big question is, did she get triggered because he got up and started making noises with the dishes? Or did she get triggered because of her own interpretation of his actions?
What would you say?
If you were in her shoes, what would you say or think? That it’s rude to get up from the dinner table? That it’s inconsiderate to make noises with dishes? That it’s poor social skills to start cleaning while guests are still present? Or perhaps you wouldn’t even have noticed?
And if you were in his shoes, what would you say or think? That she’s making a big deal out of nothing? That there’s no reason to be mad because of two minutes of dish-cleaning? That it’s the smart thing to do to get dishes done before dessert? That you’re being a good husband for doing the dishes?
If you said any of those things, that would be your personal interpretation, or in our vernacular, your make-ups. You made up those interpretations based on your own history, values, and whatever other noise you got rattling around upstairs (credit to our friends, they didn’t go down any of those potential rabbit holes).
You made me do it!
We’ve always taken issue when someone says, “You make me …” You make me mad when you’re being noisy. You make me sad when you say no. You make me crazy with your phone scrolling. You make me doubt myself when you criticize me.
“You make me” implies that the other person somehow has direct access to the controls in your brain and can flip the mad-switch or the sad-switch, like the control room in the Inside Out movies. Which is simply not the case. When I get mad, I’m the one doing the getting-mad.
Wait a minute!
Before you start typing comments like, “BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE’S …”, there’s another aspect we need to include.
Whereas you don’t have direct access to the brain control panel of your partner, you do have some influence. You can absolutely behave in ways that invite the other person to get fired up.
For example, I’m coaching a couple where she is very health-conscious and has quite specific preferences for how to keep the house clean and germs to a minimum. She has a long history of illness, and her husband understands her preferences. He generally makes a real effort to observe their agreed-upon cleanliness routines.
If he, say, left an open garbage bag on the food counter or wiped the kids’ running noses with the hand towel they all use, she might get triggered. We could say her trigger is the result of her own make-ups and interpretations, but he sure made it easy for her to go there! He essentially gave her a direct invitation to get triggered. He might not have direct access to her brain control panel, but he still knows her trigger points.
Taking responsibility
In any of these instances, we recommend you start with taking responsibility for your own reactions and triggers. Look at your make-ups. Examine your reactions. Only then, if at all, do you try to talk to your partner about their reactions.
And when you can’t sort it out, and fingers seems to be pointing in all directions, reach out to us to get some help. Don’t keep laying into your partner till they see their culpability; it won't go well.
Remember, responsibility is much better taken for yourself than assigned to another.
You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see if we can help you.
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.
Comments