When clients come to us for support with their sex life, they are often looking for that spicy technique that’ll inject some spark into the bedroom. Whereas we are happy to provide such suggestions, that is rarely the place they need to start.
Where then to start, you ask? Start by talking!
Let's talk about you and me
In this post, we’ll share some fun, simple, exploratory prompts to start a conversation about sex.
It's like the classic Salt-N-Pepa song says:
Let's talk about sex, baby Let's talk about you and me Let's talk about all the good things And the bad things that may be Let's talk about sex
Would it surprise you to learn that many couples don’t talk about sex at all?
Doesn’t surprise me because that was me! In the first two decades of being sexually active, I can count on very few fingers how often I talked about sex with my partners. I engaged in a lot of sex, but talk about it? No way! Too weird and uncomfortable.
When you don't talk
But what happens when you don’t talk about sex with your partner? Here are some of the consequences that couples and students have told us about over the years:
Your mind spins with questions and unspoken fears and desires.
You become less present with your partner (it’s hard to think “Am I doing this right?” and be fully engaged in the intimacy of the moment at the same time).
You sabotage your self-confidence (Nothing to make you feel bad about yourself like thinking, “Does she even like this?” or “Why doesn’t he want me?”)
You end up saying yes to things you don’t really want (“I’m not really into it tonight, but if I say yes, we’ll have peace for another week”)
You don’t say no to things you don’t want to do. It’s easier to “just do it.”
You don’t express and enjoy your fantasies and desires.
You don’t get to enjoy the fullness of your sexuality, because all that unspoken “stuff” serves as a giant sensuality blocker!
End result? You have less sex and don’t enjoy the sex you do have to the fullest extent possible.
Sex is wonderful and complicated
If that all sounds like a bummer, it’s because it is. Sex is so dang wonderful and life-giving when it’s good. It serves as the most amazing lubricant (pun fully intended) to your relationship in general. It makes you love each other more. Makes you feel great about yourself. Has you feel more connected to your body, more sensual and physical. Not to mention the now widely proven health benefits of regular, positive sex (Google “health benefits of sex” and see for yourself).
We fully acknowledge that sex is also complicated and produces confusion for many of us. We often bring painful sexual histories to the table. As we get older, body pains and complications get in the way. And we often hold a good deal of shame around our sexuality. In our sex and intimacy workshops, we have explored these issues in great depth with thousands of clients and students. But we can honestly say that no matter what the current state of your sex life, you can take your sex and intimacy to new heights!
Whatever the reasons for your sex life currently not being what want you want it to be, the first step is still the same: start talking. And then begin taking bite-sized action steps towards what you want!
Have this conversation
I found a great list of prompts you can use to get a conversation started (from a blog post on The Couples Post). You can go through the list one by one or close your eyes and pick a random one to start with. Either way, it will help you get the conversation started. You can also use the list by yourself to look over and reflect on your own answers. Here goes:
Does it feel awkward or uncomfortable for me to have a conversation about sex with you?
What were some of my ‘sex-pectations’ coming into marriage?
Do I see value in starting the conversation with you regarding our sexual relationship?
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being “No way, can’t go there.” and 10 being “I could talk about this anytime.”) how comfortable am I discussing sex with you?
What inhibits me in our sexual relationship?
How do I feel when you undress in front of me?
How do I feel when I undress in front of you?
How does the ‘busyness’ of our lives affect our lovemaking?
What do we need to do to make our lovemaking a priority?
How do my past experiences affect our lovemaking?
Do I fear pregnancy?
How has pregnancy/children/aging changed our sexual relationship?
Have I ever felt sexually inadequate?
How do I feel when you say, “No.”?
How do I feel when you say, “Yes.”?
Take a workshop
Having a healthy, satisfying sex life starts with open, shame-free conversations between you and your partner.
Remember, whether you’re starting from a dormant sex-life or an already vibrant one, you can deepen your experience with your partner. If you want to expand this conversation into real change in your intimacy and sex, consider joining us for the Possibilities of Sex workshop.
We have created safe spaces to explore your sexuality for many years. In our workshop you learn a lot of fun, practical ways to love, touch, and please each other (while keeping your clothes on!). Most of all, you get to join hands as you explore how to love each other more deeply.
Much love from
♥️ Sonika & Christian
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.