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Love Strategy

Updated: Sep 21, 2022

What is your love strategy?

What is a Love Strategy? It’s the unique way in which you arrive at the experience of feeling loved. If the “What” is feeling loved, then your Love Strategy is the “How”.

Your strategy for feeling loved

Everyone has their own strategy for feeling loved. Love Strategy is an idea from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP suggests that we each have a particular strategy that must be followed for us to feel motivated, loved, scared, relieved, etc.

Once you know what that strategy is, you can consciously use the strategy to elicit desired emotional states, for instance feeling truly loved. You can use awareness of your own and other’s love strategy to heighten your experience of love and intimacy. As partners in a relationship, you can educate each other about your respective love strategy, thus having a much better chance of helping each other feel truly loved.

The elements of a love strategy

Our love strategy is comprised of different modalities. We each have a unique love strategy, comprised of a certain look, touch, phrase or behavior, which when displayed will almost certainly have us feel loved.

When we are first in relationship, we are showering our partner with love and adoration in all forms:

  • Visual (showing them by buying them things or looking in eyes

  • Auditory (telling them we love them in many ways)

  • Kinesthetic (touching them in many different ways)

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I love you like I want to be loved

In that way, we invariably hit on their love strategy. Over time however, we tend to convey our love to others by doing the same things to or for them that have us feel loved. As a result, we can go years expressing our love to one another without anyone ever feeling really loved. The person might “know” they are loved, but not really “feel” loved. (Another popular concept that points to this is the 5 Love Languages).

Discover your love strategy

To discover your love strategy, do the following exercise:

Remember a time in your life when you felt loved. A specific time. Feel, see and hear everything you felt, saw and heard then. Be IN the experience (as opposed to observing yourself from a distance).

In your memory, make note of :

  • What was it that had you feel totally loved in this instance?

  • Was the person showing you by:

  • Buying you things

  • Taking you places

  • Going out of their way to do something for you or looking at you a certain way?

  • Was the person telling you in a certain way? And if so, what were they saying?

  • Or was the person touching you in a certain way?

If more than one of these modalities was used, discover which is most important to you by taking away one at a time in your mind and asking yourself if you would still feel loved. Recall specifically how the person was showing, telling or touching you.

You may actually find that you like two modalities at once, or one following the other. For example, you might have felt truly loved when someone first put a soft hand on your shoulder (Kinesthetic), then made eye contact (Visual), then said, "You're the perfect one for me!" (Auditory)

Slow it down and break it down to discover your love strategy.

Show your partner exactly how you know you are loved, and have him or her copy you until she or he is able to help you feel loved. This way, you educate each other about what produces the special feeling of love for you and for your partner and you give it to each other.

Also see our blog post, Love & Giving in Relationship.

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