The Needs We Keep in the Dark

I was on a coaching call recently with a client I’ve worked with for a while. He’s a thoughtful, capable, successful man, father and husband.

We were talking about communication in his marriage, specifically the moments when he shuts down or pulls away.

As we explored what happens inside him during those times, something broke loose.

He paused and said, “I need affirmation! I need positive affirmation from people around me.” After another pause he added, “I’ve never told anyone that. Not even my wife. Even though she’s really good at telling me what she needs.”

There was relief in his voice, but also embarrassment— almost like he had confessed something shameful instead of something human.

Keeping it secret

His experience illustrated a curious issue I’ve discovered through coaching: we often treat our positive, healthy needs the same way we treat our shadows. The same privacy, the same secrecy, the same sense of exposure if someone were to find out.

My client, for example, has a history of hiding his drinking in the years before he got sober. The same secrecy he applied to his drinking, he’d also been applying to his positive need to be affirmed, encouraged, and seen.

Not alone

And he’s far from the only one.

It’s remarkable how many people, when they finally feel safe enough in coaching, say some version of: “I really need appreciation,” or “I need reassurance sometimes,” or “I need to feel wanted, but I don’t know how to say it.”

These are positive needs. They are the energies that allow connection to deepen. They are invitations into intimacy. I know, to some, this is “yeah, duh!” kind of information. But many of us learned somewhere along the way that expressing such needs makes us weak, burdensome, or too much. So we tuck them away in the same internal drawer where we store our shame, our cravings, our old coping habits, our unfinished hurts.

It’s not that these needs are similar to our shadows; it’s that our mind categorizes them the same way. Dangerous. Risky. Better hidden. We fear that if someone sees the raw longing underneath—our wish to feel loved, affirmed, reassured—they might reject it, or misunderstand it, or worse: use it against us. So we keep quiet.

We hope our partner will somehow intuit what we never reveal. We hope they’ll magically give what we can’t bring ourselves to name.

The unspoken needs

Meanwhile, the unspoken needs quietly shape the relationship from behind the scenes. We become sensitive around the places where we long but do not ask. We feel disappointed but don’t know why. Our partner feels confused, or criticized, or helpless to get it right. And the whole dynamic starts to feel heavier than it needs to be.

When I told my client, “Your wife can’t meet a need you’ve never shared,” he laughed and said  “Yeah. I guess it’s time I finally told her.” And reiterated that his wife is so good at being explicit about her needs, and teaching their kids to be, too.

It takes courage to say, “This is what I need,” especially if we’ve spent years pretending we didn’t need anything at all. But something profound happens when we do. The relationship becomes more honest. The heart softens. The partner who receives the truth almost always feels grateful—grateful to finally understand, grateful to be trusted with something real.

Next steps

If you recognize yourself in this, here are a few small steps that can begin to shift things:

1. Acknowledge the need you’ve been hiding.Take a quiet moment and ask yourself what positive need you rarely express—affirmation, affection, reassurance, closeness, appreciation. Write it down so it has a place outside your mind.
   

2. Share it Choose someone you trust—ideally your partner—and say something simple like, “I realized something about myself … I think I really need ______.” No long explanation required.
   

3. Treat your needs matter-of-factly.Your needs are neither good or bad, beautiful or ugly. They’re just your needs. Try talking to yourself and others about your needs in a neutral, matter-of-fact way. “I need to be seen”. Same as “The sky is blue” or “I once broke my leg”.

We don’t have to treat our needs for affirmation, appreciation, tenderness, or reassurance like something shameful. They are not flaws. They’re built into our design, just like the needs for water, food, and shelter. Wouldn’t keep those secret, right?!

You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.