Your Relationship is not a Court Room

“You can’t connect if you’re both trying to win your case. Your relationship is a partnership, not a courtroom.”

How many times have you found yourself in a disagreement with your partner and, without even realizing it, you’re building a case—like a lawyer trying to convince a jury?

Preparing for trial

You line up your evidence.

You bring in witnesses.

You make sure your closing argument is airtight.

And if you’re really good, you win.

Except…what did you actually win?

Fighting for the wrong things in relationship

I’ve noticed in myself, and in countless couples I’ve coached, that we sometimes end up fighting to be right about things we don’t even want to be right about.

Think about it:

“I can never trust you.”

“You don’t care about me.”

“You don’t even like me.”

These are the accusations we bring to the courtroom. Which happens when we’re hurt and defensive. But if I “prove” them to be true—if I win that case—then what have I won? A relationship where my partner doesn’t like or trust me. Not what I want!

That’s the trap. Winning the courtroom battle often means losing the connection.

(And if you truly believe that your partner doesn’t care about you or trust you, then there are other issues to explore – that’s for another post).

The Deeper Need

Underneath those harsh declarations—“I can never trust you,” “You don’t care about me,” “You don’t even like me”—is usually something much more tender. What we’re really reaching for is love, safety, and reassurance. We want to know: Do I matter to you? Do you see me? Do I still have your heart?

But when we try to “win” by proving the negative—by building a case that you don’t care, or that I can’t trust you—we block the very closeness we were hoping for. The fight shifts from “us together” to “me against you,” and the deeper need goes unmet.

From Courtroom to Connection

The good news is, you don’t have to stay stuck in courtroom mode. With a few simple shifts, you can drop the case and open the door to connection again. Here are some practices that help:

1. Pause the Case

When you notice yourself stacking evidence—“Here’s another reason why you always let me down”—just stop for a moment. Take a breath. Recognize: Oh, I’m building a case right now.

That little moment of awareness is powerful. It interrupts the momentum and gives you a choice.

2. Name the Deeper Want

Instead of declaring what your partner is doing wrong, try naming what you actually long for. For example:

Instead of: “You don’t care about me.”

Try: “I want to feel close to you; that we care for each other”.

This shifts the conversation from accusation to invitation.

3. Ask a Connecting Question

When both people are stuck in lawyer mode, it helps to ask a question that reorients toward “us.” Some possibilities:

“Can we slow this down so we don’t end up hurting each other?”

“What’s the most important thing you want me to understand right now?”

“What’s one way we could feel more like a team in this moment?”

“Can you help me sort this out …?”

Questions like these open the door for connection instead of closing it with a verdict.

The Real Win

Here’s the deal: in relationships, the real victory isn’t proving you’re right. The real win is finding a way back to each other.

So next time you head into the courtroom, ask yourself: Do I want to win this case, or do I want to feel close to the person I love?

That answer will guide you.

You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.