Unjudge Someone

Yesterday, I attended something called the “Human Library,” where instead of borrowing books, you borrow people to have a real conversations with. The motto for this work is “unjudge someone”.

It was a space of genuine curiosity and almost complete lack of judgment, where you’re actually invited to ask the questions you’d normally hold back, even the ones you might label as “dumb,” and that alone felt both unusual and deeply refreshing.

I have questions

One of the “books” I sat with was a transgender person, and at one point he said something that really stayed with me: “I know people have questions … I want everyone to be able to get answers,” and there was no defensiveness in it, no edge, no sense that I should already know—just openness.

And it hit me how rare that kind of openness is, not just in conversations about identity or culture, but in our closest relationships, the ones that matter most to us.

Most of us don’t create that kind of space with the people we love. Instead we often operate off assumptions, believing we already know what our partner is feeling, why they said what they said, or what they meant.

From there, we react, perhaps without ever checking in with the actual source, without ever pausing to ask and listen.

Hearing it from the source

What I experienced yesterday was the opposite of that, a simple but powerful reminder of what becomes possible when we slow down enough to say, “Wait… let me hear this directly from you,” instead of relying on our own interpretations, our stories, or our projections.

Because when we listen to someone’s lived experience, rather than our version of it, something shifts, and the conversation becomes more real, more grounded, and often more connecting.

The part that really stood out to me was that the power wasn’t just in the answers people gave, but in the permission that existed in the room to ask honest questions in the first place.

In many of our relationships, we stop asking those kinds of questions, or we filter them, soften them, or avoid them altogether because we’re afraid of how they might land, afraid of being judged, of saying it wrong, or of opening something we’re not sure how to handle.

So instead, we stay in our heads and we guess, we assume, and we quietly build narratives that feel true but often aren’t, and over time those narratives create distance between us and the people we care about.

What I saw yesterday is that connection doesn’t come from getting everything right, but from being willing to be real enough to say, “I don’t understand… can you help me understand?” or even, “This might be a dumb question, but I want to ask it anyway.”

That kind of honesty has a way of lowering defenses and creating space, and it often invites the other person to show up more openly as well.

Imagine bringing even a small piece of that into your relationship—with your partner, your spouse, or even the people you work with every day—and noticing what shifts when you choose curiosity over assumption.

A little awkwardness

What might change if you gave each other permission to ask the uncomfortable questions, and trusted that your relationship is strong enough to hold a little awkwardness, a little imperfection, and a little more truth.

That’s what I experienced in that room yesterday, and it reminded me of something simple but easy to forget: it’s very hard to stay disconnected from someone you’re genuinely curious about. And it’s very hard to hate and judge someone when you get to hear about that person’s life, their struggles, their self-criticism, and their hopes and dreams.

Curiosity softens us, slows us down, and brings us back into relationship in a way that few other things do.

Try this

So here’s something simple you might try this week:

• Notice where you’re making an assumption about someone close to you, pause, and instead of acting on that assumption, ask—maybe not perfectly or elegantly, but honestly—and see what happens when you listen.
  

• Or, taking a step further, set up a time with your partner (or friend, or … etc.) where they can ask you anything, and vice versa, and see what you might learn.

You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.