What the Enneagram Reveals About Love and Connection
- Christian Pedersen, Co-Founder, Master Coach
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Understanding the Deeper Motivations Behind How We Love (and Clash)
Have you ever noticed that the same argument keeps showing up in your relationship — just wearing different clothes?
Maybe one of you feels unappreciated (“You never notice all I do around here”), while the other feels criticized (“Nothing I do is ever enough for you”). Or one partner wants to talk things through now, while the other needs space to think before engaging.
Beneath these recurring conflicts lies something deeper: different inner motivations, fears, and ways of trying to feel safe and loved.
In our coaching work — with both couples and individuals — we often use the Enneagram to help people uncover what’s really going on underneath those repetitive patterns.
It’s one of our favorite tools because it shines light on the emotional wiring that drives how we love, communicate, and sometimes clash. Clients are often surprised by how quickly it helps them understand themselves and their partners with fresh compassion.
The Hidden Code Beneath Our Reactions
The Enneagram is a powerful framework that helps you understand why people think, feel, and behave the way they do — especially under stress or in close relationships.
It describes nine core personality types, each driven by a different underlying motivation. We all have aspects of all nine, but usually one type leads the way, shaping how we give and receive love, handle conflict, and respond when we don’t feel understood.
Here’s the fascinating thing: your “go-to” reaction in conflict often reveals your Enneagram type.
For Example...
Type 2 – The Helper: wants to be loved and appreciated. Gives freely but can feel hurt when love isn’t reciprocated. In conflict, might say, “After everything I do for you?”
Partners say about this type: “She’s so caring and giving… but sometimes I feel smothered or guilty that I can’t give as much back.”
Type 8 – The Challenger: values honesty and strength. Prefers directness but can come across as controlling or intimidating when they feel vulnerable.
Partners say about this type: “He’s a powerhouse — strong, decisive, protective… but sometimes he’s an insensitive bully and doesn’t see how scary his energy feels.”
Type 9 – The Peacemaker: avoids tension to keep the peace. Appears calm but may suppress anger until it leaks out later.
Partners say about this type: “She’s so easygoing and kind… until she suddenly blows up about something I thought didn’t matter.”
Type 1 – The Reformer: wants to do things right. Can get frustrated when others don’t follow through or meet high standards.
Partners say about this type: “He’s responsible and trustworthy — I can count on him. But he’s also so rigid sometimes, like there’s only one ‘right’ way to do things.”
Type 6 – The Guardian: seeks safety and trust. Wants reassurance and may question motives when things feel uncertain.
Partners say about this type: “She’s loyal and always thinking ahead, but her constant worrying makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me.”
Every type wants connection — they just go about it in different ways.
When two people are triggered, they’re often not fighting about dishes or tone of voice — they’re bumping into each other’s core fears and coping strategies.
When We Understand the Pattern, Everything Softens
Once couples start to recognize their Enneagram patterns, something beautiful happens.
Instead of taking things so personally, they start to see what’s happening underneath.
“Ah, this isn’t just you being needy — this is your Type 2 showing up, wanting to feel appreciated.”
“This isn’t you being distant — it’s your Type 5 protecting your space when things feel overwhelming.”
The moment you understand what’s driving the reaction, the blame starts to fade. Compassion moves in. Conversations get easier. And you can begin to respond to what’s really going on instead of reacting to the surface issue.
Why We Use the Enneagram in Coaching
In our private and small-group coaching, we use the Enneagram all the time — not as a label, but as a lens.
It helps people:
Understand their emotional triggers
Communicate their needs more clearly
Break repetitive patterns in love and work
See their partner with more empathy and less judgment
We’ve found it to be one of the most effective tools for deepening relationships and personal growth — whether you’re in a marriage, a team, or leading a business.
Want to Discover Your Type?
If you’re curious to see what your type might be, try this free test:👉 Take the Enneagram Test Here
It only takes about 10 minutes. (No affiliation — Truity is a solid, accessible resource.)
When you get your result in a pie chart, take a screenshot of the chart. You can either buy the full report, or send us an email with your chart, and we can direct you to a free resource.
Then notice how these insights play out in your closest relationships. Where do you feel most understood — and where do you tend to feel unseen or misinterpreted? That’s where the gold is.
A Simple Practice for This Month
Next time you and your partner or teammate hit a snag, try this:
Pause the conversation.
Take a breath and ask yourself, “What am I protecting or wanting right now?”
Then ask, “What might they be protecting or wanting?”
And if you know your Enneagram Type, explore how your Type is playing into the current situation.
That short reflection can shift a fight into an opening — and move you both toward connection instead of defense.
Closing Thought
The Enneagram isn’t about putting yourself in a box. It’s about seeing the box you’re already in — and giving you tools to get out of it.
Understanding your type won’t fix everything overnight, but it will help you see the deeper motivations that drive both love and conflict.
And from that awareness, real change becomes possible.
You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.
LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.