What If This Year Isn’t About Fixing Yourself?

I notice this every January—both in myself and in the people I work with. A small tightening, a subtle urgency. The sense that now is the moment to get it together, clean it up, and do better.  

And underneath all that effort is often the same unspoken belief: something about me isn’t quite okay yet.

January has a way of amplifying that belief. The cultural noise gets louder—new habits, new goals, new versions of ourselves we’re supposed to step into. Even if you don’t consciously buy into it, it’s easy to start the year relating to yourself as a project that needs improvement.

Not about the fix

But what if this year isn’t about fixing yourself?

What if the work isn’t to become someone better, but to become more honest about who you already are and how you’re actually living?

The people I work with are thoughtful, capable, and deeply committed to growth. They read, they listen to podcasts, they try diligently to communicate better, be more patient, more grounded, and more present. And still, the same tensions show up—at home, at work, inside themselves. Not because they’re failing, but because growth doesn’t happen the way self-improvement culture promises it will.

Change

Real change rarely comes from pressure. It comes from attention.

It comes from noticing how you respond when you’re stressed, defensive, overwhelmed, or disappointed. It comes from seeing the patterns you keep reenacting in conversations and relationships—not to judge them, but to understand them. It comes from recognizing the ways you protect yourself, even when those protections are no longer serving you.

This matters whether you’re single or partnered, leading a team or trying to hold a marriage together. Because most of the struggles people bring into coaching aren’t skill problems—they’re relationship problems. And that includes the relationship you have you’re your own discomfort, conflict, uncertainty, and judgments.

The January fix-it mindset

When we approach January with a “fix-it” mindset, we tend to do one of two things. We either push ourselves harder—more discipline, more effort, more control—or we quietly check out when that effort becomes exhausting. Neither creates the lasting change people are actually longing for.

What does help is slowing down enough to ask different questions.

Not “What should I improve this year?” But “What keeps getting my attention?”

Not “How do I become better?” But “Where am I not being fully honest—with myself or others?”

Not “What’s wrong with me?” But “What’s asking to be seen or understood?”

In relationships, this shift is especially powerful. Many couples get stuck because they’re trying to fix the content of their arguments—who’s right, what decision to make, how to divide responsibilities—without looking at the process underneath. How they listen. How they react. How quickly they move to defense or withdrawal. How rarely they slow down long enough to actually feel heard.

The same is true for individuals. You don’t need to fix your anxiety, your anger, or your restlessness before you’re allowed to be in a meaningful relationship—with yourself or anyone else. Often, those experiences soften when they’re met with curiosity instead of control.

This doesn’t mean you stop growing or stop taking responsibility. It means you change the quality of attention you bring to your life. Growth rooted in awareness tends to be steadier, kinder, and more sustainable than growth driven by self-criticism.

New orientation

So as this year begins, you might experiment with a different orientation.

Instead of asking more of yourself, try paying closer attention to your reactions. Instead of setting bigger goals, take small steps that contribute to who you want to be. Instead of fixing, try staying present—especially when it’s uncomfortable.

You may find that what you’ve been trying to “fix” starts to shift on its own when it’s finally met with understanding.

And if nothing else, you might discover that you were never as broken as January made you believe.

You can reach out to us anytime for an informal chat to see how we can help you.

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.