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Victim Mindset in Your Relationship

Updated: Sep 8, 2022

Victim mindset in a relationship

You ever find yourself blaming your partner for why your relationship is not going great? Or just plain stuck in a place where it feels like you won’t get what you want?

When things aren’t going well in our relationship, it’s easy to fall into a victim mindset.

It’s of course a natural and fair desire when you want your partner to be with you in a way that feels good. Still, whenever you find yourself saying, “If only he/she would do … then I’d be happy; then we’d be good”, you’re putting yourself in the position of the victim. You’re effectively saying that your partner holds all the power to make you happy or unhappy.

Victim mindset says …

Another we display a victim mindset is when we catastrophize or generalize. You might think …

  • “This relationship is so messed up”

  • “This guy is so messed up”

  • “There’s something wrong with me since I picked you”

  • “There’s something wrong with you, or with our relationship”

When we generalize in this way – stating as a fact that our relationship simply IS messed up – we put ourselves in a place where we can’t take action, where we stuck.

Remember, victim mindset is one that says there’s nothing I can do; no actions I can take to change my relationship or my life.

Get a Free Trial to our “Mini-Workshops” A mini-workshop is a short how-to course that focuses on one specific relationship issue at a time. Each course includes step-by-step instruction and insight, and you get practical tools to try out on the spot. Instead of trying to deal with every problem in your relationship, you focus on how to rebuild trust, how to revive your intimacy, how to communicate more constructively, how to enjoy more sex and affection, or how to stay in love. And that’s just some of the available topics. Click the link here and sign up for a free trial (no strings attached), then dig in to the topic you most need help with.

“I can’t handle this”

So whenever you say, “I can’t handle anymore of this”, there’s a positive productive aspect and a negative victim aspect.

The positive side of “I can’t handle anymore of this” is that you really want change. You’re ready for improvement.

The negative is that you’re telling yourself you don’t have the power to deal with whatever “this” is. You diminish yourself in your own eyes, hence solidifying the victim stance.

One our main commitment in LoveWorks is empowering you and empowering your relationship. It might sound really “high road” but we aim for using relationships to empower our own fullest potential, and to use particularly the breakdowns and the tough spots to grow stronger and more connected.

Reacting to the past or creating from the future

One of the ways we keep ourselves stuck in a victim mindset is we keep reacting to past incidents we don’t like, instead of moving forward to a better version of our future. We call it Creating From The Future (and no, that does not mean we pretend we don’t have difficulties or that we don’t deal with them). But when we try to build a future on top of our negative reactions to our past, it doesn’t pan out; we don’t get the result we desire.

In our approach we put a lot more emphasis on what we want to create going forward than what we didn’t create in the past. We look at what you we want to create individually and as partners and to “move from the future” to foster the kind of relationship we want. We focus a lot more of stepping in to the love and connection we want – right now! – than all the reasons why we haven’t in the past. We know from coaching thousands of couples and singles that we have the make “relationship work” enjoyable and rewarding or no one wants to do the work. We figure we all have a better shot at succeeding if we can produce some love, intimacy, and happiness now, instead of after years of grueling processing.

Watch the YouTube video of this post with Sonika & Christian

Issues to intimacy

We of course know that there are so many ways in which a relationship can be challenged and so many ways we can end up feeling hurt, disconnected, angry or hopeless. However tough your circumstances – you’re going nuts trying to parent and work during Covid; you’re fed up with arguments and bickering; you don’t listen to each other, or something else – you can use those difficult situation to your advantage, to grow from, and to emerge stronger.

We call this empowered relating! It’s the opposite of victim mindset. It’s a declaration that I have the capacity to uplift myself and my partner in relationship, no matter what. It’s a commitment to learn what I don’t know yet, to empower myself to turn issues into intimacy. This is a foundational idea behind the LoveWorks Solution.

And think about it … we all know that nothing sucks the life out of a relationship more than two partners stuck in a victim mindset. That’s what happens when you criticize, complain, bicker, yell, disconnect and give the silent treatment.

Empowered relating

So if you’re someone who’s up for using your relationship – no matter how difficult it is at times – to empower yourself and your partner, we recommend you take us up on the offer of a free mini-workshops above.

We just talked to a man who attended this workshop over five years ago. He said, “That workshop changed my life! I took it again later, and it changed my life again. I’ve never been able to go back to being the same person in relationship since.” For many, the LoveWorks Solution tools have been a relationship game-changer; perhaps it could be for you too?

LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit

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