Checking Out Without Checking In

In my world, there are rules for how you behave when making food: You put all the ingredients away as soon as you’ve made your sandwich. The mustard, the mayo, the bread, tomatoes … all must go back where they live before the first bite. I’ve done it so long that I never thought of it as a rule. It’s just what a person does.

Sonika’s world has no such rule. In accordance with my rule, I sometimes put her food away while she’s still eating, and she comes back for seconds to a cleared counter.

We laugh about it. But this instance is a small, harmless version of something that causes real relationship issues when the stakes are higher: two people living by unwritten rules that each considers common sense.

Checking Out Without Checking In

A client told me about a Saturday when her husband headed out for a long bike ride mid-morning, leaving her with the kids, the laundry, and an afternoon they’d only half-planned. She didn’t mind his ride. People need time to themselves, and she’d gladly have covered for him.

What she minded was that he never said anything. Had he asked, “Would it work if I headed out for a couple of hours?” she’d have said, “Sure, go.” Instead she found out when she heard the garage door.

She had a name for it: checking out without checking in. And she explained why it hurt. “In my world,” she said, “it’s rude to head off without checking whether the other person is okay covering.”

Two Worlds, Two Sets of Unwritten Rules

To her credit, she didn’t say “you’re inconsiderate” or “you never think of me”, or worse. She said, in effect, that her world has a rule that got broken, and she was having feelings about it.

Everyone lives in a world like that. It’s built from the family we grew up in, past relationships, the places we’ve worked, the friends we keep, and our own temperament. Some rules we can trace to a source. Others we couldn’t explain if we tried. They just feel like common sense.

The trouble is that a rule you’ve never said out loud is a rule your partner can’t follow (unless they guess on their own).

When a rule breaks, the mind reaches for a verdict that often skews negative: He doesn’t care about my load; about me! Repeated over months, that story wears away trust in a relationship far faster than any single bike ride could.

How to Avoid Fights in a Relationship: Say the Rule Out Loud

The first move is to name the rule and attach it to your own world instead of to your partner’s character.

“In my world, we check in before assuming the other person can cover.”

“In my world, you put the leftovers away right after you eat.”

“In my world, if you’re running late, you text.”

Said this way, it’s not an accusation. It’s just information that educates both of you.

This practical communication technique pairs naturally with another staple of relating: turning complaints into requests. “Would you check in with me before heading out?” is something a partner can say yes or no to. “You never think about me” is something they can only defend against.

Build a World You Share

Once you’ve each named the rules of your own worlds, decide together which ones belong to the two of you.

Some of mine will make the cut, some of Sonika’s, and a few will be new. Every rule you say out loud shows your partner how you work, and every one you agree to is a small act of choosing your union, and in the process building your emotional trust and intimacy.

It Works Both Ways

Checking out isn’t the problem. Everybody needs to take a walk, go for a ride, disappear into the garage or somehow take care of themselves. A healthy relationship has room for all of it. The sting comes from the unannounced version, and the fix is one sentence long: “Mind if I check out for a bit?”

The same goes for the partner who carries the load. “I’m running on empty and I need an hour – can you handle the kids?” is a heads-up request too. It lets the other person say yes before they’re surprised.

As for the sandwich, Sonika and I have learned each other’s rules and can choose which one wins on any given day. And on occasion, I still put her food away too fast!

Relationship issues are often two worlds colliding, one unspoken rule at a time. Speak the rule out loud and the collision can become a conversation.

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LoveWorks: We believe relationships are meant to be an empowering, fun, passionate, safe place to grow, love, and learn. Where we get to be more of who we are, not less. We know it’s not always easy, but it can definitely be easier! With our unique and practical approach to relationship, you learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and enjoy fulfilling intimacy for the rest of your life. To learn more or contact us, visit www.loveworkssolution.com.