Reducing Reactivity Mini-Workshop

In this mini-workshop from home, you’ll learn how to:

• Use a simple, powerful model to understand and modify your reactivity.
• Discern reactions you choose from those you don’t choose.
• Avoid “fueling the fire” of anger and frustration.
• Respond with compassion instead of anger, contempt, or sarcasm.
• Communicate responsibly when triggered.
• Move from judgment to curiosity.
• Help each other reduce reactivity.
• Use strong reactions to connect deeper (instead of separating you).

Reactivity is a major issue in relationships

How you react to your partner’s behavior is perhaps the single biggest determinant to the quality of your relationship. In the early in-love days of your relationship, you probably reacted primarily with delight, surprise, endearment, curiosity and turn-on to your partner’s personality and behaviors.

But today? If you’re like most couples we work with, your common reactions include frustration, anger, disbelief, hurt, disappointment and a host of other not-so-great emotions.

It’s as if a pre-set sequence unfolds on auto-pilot:

You partner says, “You never listen to me” ... You react with anger and defend yourself.

She says, “All you think about is sex!” ... You react with hurt and stop talking to her.

He turns his head away when you try to make eye contact ... You react with sadness and shut down.

These emotional reactions in turn fuel more issues, more criticism, sarcasm, stonewalling, passive-aggression, snippiness ... you know how it goes, right? 

Reduce your reactivity, connect better.

There’s a direct correlation between reactivity and connection. More reactivity means less connection. Less reactivity means more connection and a lot more peaceful co-existence.

Although our reactions seem automatic and instantaneous, you can actually modify and reduce your reactivity. Sonika and I (Christian) have become very adept at this, which means when one person gets angry, the other person doesn’t automatically get angry or defensive, too. We’ve learned how to have a choice in the matter. This is the main reason we spend almost no time processing hurts and breakdowns.

I remember a married man who came to our workshop. He shared how he did everything he could to avoid strong emotions from his wife. Whenever she got upset, his primary reaction was shutting down (and you can guess how she felt when he shut down). After working with our material, he said, “Now, I can handle strong emotions from my wife and give her more of what she needs.” 

That’s just it; you can begin to give each other what you need. But when you get caught in reactivity, you give each other nothing useful.

Reducing reactivity may not have been something you’ve thought about in the past. But you know exactly how detrimental it is when you and your partner get stuck in defensiveness or attack (all part of reactivity). This is perhaps the most important skill there is to reduce fights and conflicts.

When you reduce your reactivity you can truly be there for each other with kindness and compassion.

Again, here's some of what you'll learn: 

In this mini-workshop from home, you’ll learn how to:

• Use a simple, powerful model to understand and modify your reactivity.
• Discern reactions you choose from those you don’t choose.
• Avoid “fueling the fire” of anger and frustration.
• Respond with compassion instead of anger, contempt, or sarcasm.
• Communicate responsibly when triggered.
• Move from judgment to curiosity.
• Help each other reduce reactivity.
• Use strong reactions to connect deeper (instead of separating you).